


The Merry Bande Visits Isengarde

by Ithiliana



Series: Bondage 'R Us [3]
Category: Lord of the Rings (2001 2002 2003)
Genre: AU, Bondage, Comic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-14
Updated: 2009-11-14
Packaged: 2017-10-02 18:44:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithiliana/pseuds/Ithiliana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The Ring has never been found, and a cheeky band of hobbits has set out to make their fortunes. Inspired in April 2003 by the Sons_of_Gondor bondage challenge.</p>
    </blockquote>





	The Merry Bande Visits Isengarde

**Author's Note:**

> The Ring has never been found, and a cheeky band of hobbits has set out to make their fortunes. Inspired in April 2003 by the Sons_of_Gondor bondage challenge.

Merry carefully checked to make sure his protective amulets were on correctly. Before he'd agreed to bring The Merry Bande to Isengard for the annual Thud and Blunder Moote, he'd made sure to get certain guarantees from Saruman: protective amulets for everyone, including "Dernhem," AND wardings for the tent that were guaranteed to last during the full week of the Moote even if it rained.

And a written guarantee that nobody got eaten, at least not by orcs.

Ducking outside the tent, he made sure that the tasteful arrangement of rusty chains was in place. No use putting up the sign, "Bondage 'R Us," in Isengarde. The orcs were even worse off than the Rohirrim who could read a few words. If they were in large print. And capital letters. Written in primary colors. With illustrations. And were about horses.

But not the orcs. On the other hand, Merry mused, at least you didn't have to supply lube while doing business with orcs. They came spectacularly well equipped in that as well as other areas.

Just to be sure, he doublechecked the wardings. All present and in place. Before he ducked back into the tent, he surveyed the scene. The clouds overhead made the deforested circle of Isengarde look even less appealing than usual.

The black stone tower which vaulted hundreds of feet from ground to sky gleamed, and off in the distance he could see Saruman processing (he never walked; he always processed), white robes fluttering in the breeze and that huge iron staff with the pointy bits on top...Merry shuddered. He didn't even want to know what the wizard's kinks might be.

He wouldn't put anyone out for bait during this Moote, he decided. Protective amulet or no protective amulet, orcs were likely to take an offer of bait literally. The chains would just have to do, plus the fact that very few others dared attend this event no matter how much money Saruman was pouring into marketing it.

For one thing, the Sons of Gondor and the Rohirrim were all boycotting it. Although Merry could swear he'd seen Theoden's counselor Grima ducking out the back door when he'd met with Saruman yesterday.

Back in the tent, Merry surveyed his domain. This gig required a few....unusual choices. Pippin was pouting, but Sam was in his element, bustling about the tent, with a happy smile on his face.

A multitude of lamps hanging from the tentpoles poured out a cheery light over the scene. Pink chiffon draped along the tent walls and in front of every cubicle contributed to the rosy glow. Elven ropes were in great supply (orcs loved elven ropes, though they tended to go through them at a great rate).

Everyone wore a wreath of roses, color-coded. Eowyn had protested, but Merry had pointed out sternly that EVERYONE was wearing them, period. And since she was in full armor, nobody would know she was a girl anyway. But he did let her choose her color first. She chose white.

Instead of flagons and barrels of ale, two dainty tea tables with rose-painted china were set up, one at either side of the tent. Sam was just finishing setting out plates of cucumber sandwiches with the crusts trimmed off. Teapots steamed under crocheted tea cosies. Plates of sugar cookies flanked the teapots. Were there...yes, Merry realized, the cloth napkins had monogrammed napkin rings!

Merry shook his head. When they had started planning this venture, Sam volunteered to get all the "special" materials needed. Probably from Rosie Cotton, Merry thought. And he had thrown himself into the project with great enthusiasm. He was even wearing a.....frilly apron! With embroidered roses. Pink, to match his wreath. Merry averted his eyes.

"Who knows what darkness lurks in the soul of even the most unassuming hobbit," Merry muttered to himself, starting down the tent to see if Pippin and Frodo were prepared.

They were although Pippin was complaining that Frodo got to wear red roses while he was stuck with yellow. Frodo stuck his tongue out at Pippin, who slapped him.

Merry quelled them with a stern warning to keep it for the customers! Then he had them stand and twirl for inspection.

Merry had pulled out all the sparkly robes with elf embroidery for this gig. Frodo, as usual, looked ravishing (one of his biggest selling points anyway, sure to be a big draw here). The filmy white material, finely pleated, teased the eye, draped alluringly over his body, both revealing and concealing. The silver and gold embroidery shone.

Pippin.....Ah, well, Merry sighed. The same look rarely worked for everyone. Additionally, he'd already managed to get smudges on his robe. And his wreath was crooked. Merry straightened the wreath and decided the robe would do. All the robes would be stained shortly, he thought, wondering just how much the laundry bill would be this time. Luckily, he'd brought enough robes to last the week and more.

"Positions, everyone," he called, clapping his hands.

Dernhelm took his post at the tent opening to act as bouncer and crowd control. Merry stood nearby to direct orcs to the appropriate side of the tent. No use even trying to develop a menu for orcs. They'd just set up Option A and Option B, and even that, Merry thought, might be beyond some of the larger and slower ones.

Pippin was in charge of Option A, and Sam, Option B, which included fingerbowls. Frodo, as usual, was placed at the end of the tent directly under a lamp as a Special Attraction.

The first part of the evening went beautifully. Apparently Saruman had given the orcs a lecture on how to queue. Dernhelm did not even have to draw his sword. As each orc entered and saw what awaited him inside, the impact of Sam's carefully designed setting stunned them.

The hobbits were easily able to lasso each one with an elven rope and march them off, whimpering and pleading to be spared, to a cubicle for strict etiquette training. The moans, shrieks, and bellows that had ensued caused Merry to make a note to include earplugs next time. Orcs certainly had impressive lungs. As well as other things.

By nearly closing, Merry was rubbing his hands in glee. At least 150 orcs had come, many several times, and gone, and the money chest was overflowing. Plus, none of them had any idea how he had inflated his prices. He'd counted on that, but was relieved to find his theory that they didn't have many places to go confirmed. He ushered the final customer off, and ordered Sam to blow out the lamps.

Then, the tent hangings were shoved aside to reveal the largest orc Merry had ever seen, carrying a huge crossbow which was cocked. Dernhelm, who was giving Sam a boost so he could reach the lamps, could not respond. And even Merry realized that going up against a crossbow with a sword might be a tad bit difficult.

Merry decided it was up to him, so he approached the orc and bowed.

"Welcome, good sir...? How may we serve you?"

"Call me Lurtz, not sir, Halfling" the orc growled, sighting in on Frodo who was helping Sam clear the tables. "Give me that Halfling, alive and unharmed. Saruman wants him."

Faster than Merry would have believed possible, he strode down the tent and grabbed Frodo, tucking him under one arm. Frodo squeaked and blushed appealingly.

Lurtz turned to leave the tent, still menacing the rest of the Bande with his crossbow. He was striding toward the opening when Pippin, dashing out of the cubicle nearest the door, tripped over the hem of his robe and fell in front of the orc who promptly tripped and fell on top of him. Frodo flew one way and the crossbow bolt, luckily, another. When Lurtz tried to leap up, Dernhelm threw Sam at him, and leaped into action.

When the dust cleared, they had Lurtz securely tied up with elven ropes. Merry sighed. This was getting old.

"OK, boys, drag him into the nearest cubicle. Frodo, you take care of him. The rest of you, let's get packing. I think Isengarde has just gotten a little too hot to handle." And, he figured, he had a pretty good idea about Saruman's kink.

Dismantling the current setup took more work than usual, especially because Sam insisted that everything be folded neatly. However, Frodo was more than up to the challenge. The sounds coming from the cubicle should convince anyone still awake that the Merry Bande gave great etiquette and would serve as free advertising.

Though Merry wasn't sure if they could risk coming back again, at least not next year. He made a note to investigate new markets, maybe in the East, since there were a growing number of kingdoms in the West that he wanted to avoid for a while.

Quick and soft as shadows, the Merry Bande plus Eowyn finished packing, peeled Frodo off Lurtz, washed the slime off him, and slung him on top of the baggage packed on Bill the Pony (just this once because he was unable to walk), and headed out of Isengarde.

Pippin proposed they take a shortcut through Fangorn Forest and Merry, thinking of Saruman's staff, agreed.


End file.
